Offending Others

Source Question: “How do I know if I am truly offending someone, or if they just don’t like what I’m doing?” (2025 Surveys)

It is important to note that this question clearly comes from a place of desiring to please God and honor His will, part of which is the proper treatment of brethren, and this is to be commended. This person desires to walk in love (cf. Rom. 14.15) and is pursuing what makes for “peace and…mutual upbuilding.” (vv.19) Christian character is marked by the willingness to adjust or even forego the exercise of personal liberties to protect not only our own relationship with God, but that of our spiritual family as well. Paul exemplified this when he refused to accept monetary support to preach, according to his judgment that accepting such would present an obstacle before others and hinder his presentation of the gospel. (Cf. 1 Cor. 9.8-23)

It is also important to note that peace among brethren must be pursued by both sides of the relationship. We remember Paul’s teaching earlier in Romans 12.18: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Paul recognized that peacefulness, like the tango, takes two, and some are unwilling to cooperate with us to that end. There are times in which our actions truly offend the consciences of our brethren, and others in which they merely offend the preferences of our brethren. Endless conflicts among us have their roots in judging the latter to be as binding upon others as the former, and this is regrettable as well as avoidable.

This survey question seems to hinge upon three more basic considerations:

1. Is what I’m doing sinful?

It may seem like this is not the place to start when discussing offending brethren in matters of conscience, but there are situations in which we believe a practice is spiritually benign when in fact scripture (and hopefully, our brother/sister accordingly) judges it malignant. Never forget or ignore the possibility of personal error when dealing with your brother or sister’s issue with our choices. That which offends my brother might very well be sinful, and the fact that they are upset with me is because of the beam in my eye! (Matt. 7.3)

When Paul opposed Peter “to his face” (Gal. 2.11), it wasn’t primarily because Peter had done something personally distasteful to Paul. Peter had endangered his own soul and the souls of his Gentile and Jewish Christian brethren, and “stood condemned.” (vv.11) No doubt, this behavior was repugnant to Paul (as one can see in v.14ff), but it was ultimately repugnant to God! Before writing
off the displeasure of fellow brethren as “Well, they just don’t like my choices”, ensure those choices are not those God has forbidden us from making.

2. Have I talked to them about it?

Having ruled out the possibility that the decision/action/behavior is not sinful itself and squarely lies in the realm of personal liberty and judgment, communication is essential. Frank and honest conversation should illuminate for both parties where each stand on the issue and often will resolve any problems between the two. Believe it or not, brethren frequently learn that they are not as far from one another as they thought, and in some rare cases discover they even agree with one another! (Brethren agreeing? An increasingly absurd notion!)

But honest conversation is harder than stewing in our own settled opinions, gossiping, and insinuating sins against those who have the audacity to so blithely trample on our preferences. We would rather feel right and superior than be right and humble, and this is to our shame. Since Jesus taught us to initiate frank conversations with those who have sinned against us (“Go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” – Matt. 18.15), it stands to reason that relatively minor conflicts ought to be handled the same way. The cure for the most serious of conflicts between brethren will certainly stand to solve any lesser issues between us.

3. Am I putting their soul first?

Let’s say we’ve completed steps 1 and 2. We have determined that our practice is indeed a matter of conscience, and we have had the needed conversation(s) to “take the temperature” of our brother or sister. That interaction should clarify whether our practice is a trivial difference in preference or a serious difference in conscience. The former is not consequential in the eternal sense, but a violation of the second certainly is: “But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.” (Rom. 14.23)

For the sake of argument, let’s use the example of esteeming one day above another (cf. Rom. 14.5), specifically the celebration of one’s birthday. Paul clearly teaches that one may choose to “do, or do not”, according to one’s own personal judgment, to the glory of God. Suppose our family chooses to celebrate birthdays, but another family in our congregation deems this inappropriate. Perhaps in their devotion to God and an effort to emphasize personal humility and service, the only day they esteem as higher than any other is the Lord’s Day (Rev. 1.10) or Sunday.

As their brother, I must respect their decision, refuse to pass judgment, and not attempt to influence them toward my choice on the matter. After all, their decision was made to honor Christ: Shall I hinder their efforts to glorify my King and theirs? I must “take care that this right of (mine) does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.” (1 Cor. 8.9) (weak = offended in conscience, not spiritually frail) This could include not inviting members of their family to my home to celebrate birthdays, not announcing their birthdays in congregational fliers, etc. It most certainly includes not gossiping about their decision to others. If the situation calls for it, I will choose to abstain from my judged right to celebrate if doing so would influence my brother to offend his conscience. Their soul comes before birthdays.

My brother of this persuasion has responsibilities as well. To adapt Rom. 14.3b to this situation: “…let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who (celebrates), for God has welcomed him.” If I’m living as I ought before God, even my celebration of days is done in honor to the Lord, and my brother has no right to oppose this avenue of glorifying God. They must ensure that their abstinence from special days is not used to browbeat, pressure, or shame their fellow brethren. In the words of Paul: “The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God.” (Rom. 14.21) Their personal decision to abstain must not become “3rd Corinthians” and bound upon their fellow brethren.

Let me leave you with one final thought:
“May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Rom. 15.5-6, emp. KS)

“Harmony” means we’re not all singing the same notes, but we are cooperating to sing the same song. Let not the altos condemn the tenors, nor the basses stand in judgment over the sopranos. So long as we sing with Christ, our song glorifies God, no matter which part we’ve chosen to sing. -K.S.